Sauvage

 Anika has never felt this before. All that she can do, sitting outside the miserable ICU of the best hospital in her locality, is think about why hadn't she noticed the symptoms earlier. She begins to rub her palms and cheeks as a futile attempt at distraction from her own disturbing thoughts. The warmth that they produce is what Anika thinks will calm her down. But her trembling hands, incessant salty tears and the constant feeling of throwing up only add to her anxiety. Had she noticed her grandfather's rough coughing, impaired speech, insignificant memory loss and failure to balance himself on his feet a little earlier, she thinks, she could have saved him from the severity of the meningitis he is suffering from.

Post dinner Anika gets ready to leave for home after helping her mother with the adjustments in the waiting room. With all the strength left in her shaky legs, she walks towards the lift. On any other usual day, she would have preferred stairs over the lift. But today she doesn't trust her legs with the steps, hence she takes the lift, preferring to deal with her claustrophobia instead. As suggested by her mother, Anika uses the patients' elevator that is relatively thrice the size of the regular one and has ample lighting. Little does she know that this very lift is going to take her to the time in her past which she has conveniently hidden into the folds of her busy life.

The moment Anika enters the large elevator and the frame of the ICU in her eyes starts shrinking, she knows that something is wrong. She can sense it in her breathing that is getting shallower every moment. She knows that the unnecessary pearls of sweat forming on her forehead are indicating something. Anika holds on to the metallic bars of the elevator for some support - she is sure her legs are going to give way soon. She rests her wet back against the cold walls of the elevator as she tries to steady herself. It is when she finally gains control over her breathing that she notices the fragrance in the lift. She feels her blood rush through her veins as she recognizes the scent. Anika smiles a wide grin. She knows that she can never miss the Sauvage and as it has hit her for the first time in the past five years, she just cannot have enough of it. Within seconds, her face drops the smile and wears a new expression of perplexion. In an instant, the scent has taken over her. It has transferred her to the days when she had been the happiest in her life, and probably the saddest too. The Sauvage has never failed to cast its spell on her and today isn't an exception either. The only thing she regrets is the returning of memories, and with them, the returning of him. She wants to relish this feeling of nostalgia without him in her mind; by now she knows that it is merely impossible. In the same state of trance, Anika gets off the elevator and walks towards home.

Theirs was a bond, no one could imagine. From the day he had turned 17 in April and she, instead of wishing him a happy birthday, had pitied him for moving a year closer to old age, they were inseparable. Initially, he had been mad at her and had thought that she was rude. It was when she had bought him a small bottle of Sauvage in October the same year and had proudly stated that it was his gift for both the previous year's and this year's  birthdays, he was sure to have found a gem. They knew strange corners of each other's lives.
To the world he had always been a rough and dominating guy, people said that he showed softness rarely. Little did they know that the 'rarely' changed to 'always' whenever he would be with her.
They were best friends. They denied firmly when people asked whether they were in love. But for a strange reason that even he couldn't explain, he had felt their bond to be too pure to be labelled as love. When he first met her, he didn't feel like he was meeting a stranger but his own twin, whom his mother had never mentioned about. He always thought that they were better siblings than friends. She had not been sure when he had asked her to accept him as a brother. She always thought about such things as shallow and false. But when she had looked at him one evening and had seen immense hope and trust in his eyes, she agreed to give this siblinghood a try.
They had promised to stick together forever. But their forever lasted for a rather short time. She defined their forever as a little less than a year.

Next morning, Anika reaches the hospital at 9. Her puffy eyes and dull face clearly show the insomnia of last night, but she doesn't make an effort to hide it. Her mother smiles a slight smile to hide the tension in the air and they both wait for the doctor. Soon after the doctor has visited, examined Anika's grandfather and informed them about his disease, her mother leaves for home. The day goes by smoothly. Though she worries about her grandfather every minute, the doctor's words of not having to operate on him and that he will be fine, just that the infection will take time to cure, seem to relieve her stress a bit. With a greater sense of responsibility, Anika performs all the tasks that the hospital staff tells her to. In the evening Anika gets ready to leave. As she walks towards the lift, yesterday's nostalgia consumes her. She had been too busy to think about it all day. But now as she nears the elevator, she is sure that she cannot bear it once more. This time, she decides to take the stairs.

Lost in her own thoughts, Anika descends the steps slowly. Today, the five-floor journey down the stairs seems to take more time than usual. Somewhere between the second and the third floor, Anika suddenly stops upon hearing someone call out to her.
'Anika,' she hears a woman say.
She instantly recognises the voice, though it has been more than five years since she last heard it. She trembles as she turns to face the woman. The tension on the woman's face makes her uncomfortable. Anika has never seen her like this, except once.
'Anika, dear, is it you?' the woman asks.
For a moment Anika becomes speechless. She realises how the same words by the same woman had changed her life a few years ago.

'Aunty, how are you?' Anika finally manages to say. The woman bursts into tears, unable to hold them any longer.
'Aunty, is everything alright? How is -'
Aunty stops her before she can even complete her sentence.
'Anika, are you free? Can we talk?' she asks hesitantly.
When Anika doesn't respond immediately, she adds, 'It is about -'
'Um, sure,' Anika says, her voice low.

Things had changed between them. They both had recovered from the fateful incident of January but they still faced its repercussions six months later. They always made small talks when they met in the corridors, but these talks had a tinge of awkwardness in them. Half a year had already passed, but none of them wished to talk about it. One day she somehow built up the courage and confessed to him that she couldn't do it any longer. She explained that she couldn't bear to see him as her brother anymore because brothers don't do things he had done. She told him that she had tried and now she was done. And he let her go.
He knew he was guilty. He had known this all these days. He knew he had hurt her when she had accepted his apologies and pretended it was okay when it really wasn't. He knew that she was a fighter. And he knew he had lost her when she was ready to leave, unwilling to stay.
On her side, she was left with no option. All these months she had been trying to keep calm and forgive him, only her surroundings didn't allow her to. She knew she was going to lose his trust. But it was time she became selfish. 
She couldn't stand being interrogated by a new professor each day about a thing that was six months old. She was tired of answering questions that were beyond her expectations, questions that made her feel disgusting and dizzy. She neither could tolerate her classmates passing weird looks whenever she crossed them nor could she accept the fact that it was she who had to face it all just because she was a girl, the softer and the less arrogant among the two. The thing she couldn't do the most, however, was tell him all this. She was obliged.


The woman walks Anika to one of the private rooms on the third floor. The metallic hinges of the wooden door creak as Anika pushes it open. A gust of relatively cool wind welcomes her to the room. Anika walks inside. When she reaches the bed, she sees someone asleep. She notices a box full of medicines at his bedside and a new bottle of saline ready at the desk to be injected soon. Anika imagines her grandfather in the ICU sleeping - just like this boy - on the bed wearing a hospital suit, except that her grandfather has a heavy dose of those bottles that are more than just salines.
As Anika nears the bed with every step she takes forward, she sees him. She trembles. Her lips quiver and her hands shake from a blend of fear and excitement.
He opens his eyes slowly. He sees her standing in the hospital room near his bed staring at him. He stares back at her with surprise and his eyes begin to moisten.
Anika notices a sense of nostalgia creep on his face as a small tear escapes his left eye. He closes his eyes in order to compose himself and finally, smiles.
'Alok,' Anika manages to murmur.
'Anika, how come -'
'Don't.'
They smile at each other, just like they used to when they were in college. Ten seconds full of an unbearable silence later, 'Sorry,' they say in unison. This time they laugh.

Anika notices that there isn't much change in Alok's looks besides the black stubble which makes him look smart. She cannot tell whether he has become taller than earlier. Anika observes him closely. Looking at his feet that remain suspended in the air at the end of the bed, she cannot help but giggle.  His sturdy figure is still the same. His lips curve downwards, stress clearly showing on his face.
'Alok, how are you feeling?' she asks full of concern.
'Better.'
'Is this all happening because of what I-'
'Anika, don't.'

It was January. The weather was pleasant. It had been an ordinary day till afternoon. She had felt a difference in his conduct since a week or so. They had been quarrelling with each other over little, unimportant reasons. He had been bunking classes regularly, hanging out with his friends all the time and bullying people from lower classes, more than he usually did. When one day he behaved rudely with one of their professors, she decided it was time he better realised what he was doing.
They had a fight that morning. They didn't talk after that. During their break, she noticed something was off about him. He continuously kept looking at her as if to say, 'You dare not interfere in whatever I'm doing and better mind your own business.' 
A couple minutes later, he walked towards where she was sitting with her friends. She looked at him irritably. He locked his eyes into hers and slowly began to fold his sleeves up his arms. He stopped when his forearms were clearly visible. She was totally unprepared for what was to follow.
She saw a couple of big cuts on his left arm with a few smaller ones. Blood threatened to flow from them at any moment. She looked at him, aghast. He gave her a sly smile and walked away. She kept staring at his disappearing figure. Once he was out of sight, she ran towards the principal's office, panicked. The next few events took place at a fast pace. His parents were called and informed about every detail of the day. She couldn't dare to look at his mother's face, usually calm and quiet, that day it wore fury and rage. When she received a call from his mother on the landline that night, in a soft and concerned voice his mother asked, 'Anika, dear, is it you? Are you okay?'

Alok observes Anika closely. She looks beautiful, prettier than before. He notices a change in her attitude. He realises that Anika has changed a lot, yet there is something that is still the same. Despite going through everything, she still carries that cute smile on her face. Her smile makes him comfortable today just like it did back then in college. But today, he sees worry in her eyes and her face tired and worn out.
He looks at his mother, who, just a few minutes ago, has brought Anika back in his life. He smiles at her. He nods in a way to thank her. His mother suggests that they spend some time together and that she wait outside. When she leaves the room and closes the door behind her, Anika turns to face Alok.
'How did this happen, Alok?' Anika asks again.
When she had met Alok's mother on the staircase some time ago, his mother had told her everything that happened to Alok since the day Alok and Anika last talked. He had been sad for a very long time. He preferred to be left alone. He wouldn't talk to anyone. He tried very hard to control his anger but in order to do it, he would often bottle up his feelings. He went through these cycles of depression for five years.
Yesterday, he suddenly started feeling dizzy and refused to eat anything. He had severe headache for the past few days. When his mother urged him to eat something and he did, he threw up. Soon after, he passed out on the floor. The doctor suggested that admitting him for a couple of days would be the best option.
'I don't know, Anika,' he replies.
'Alok, see, I'm already going through a lot right now and I almost have no energy, please speak up,' she tries to sound strict but somehow it makes Alok laugh.
'What is making you laugh?' Anika asks him, irritated.
'How I love to trouble you.'
'Why do you always have to, Alok?'
'When did I?'
'When did you not?'
'That was a mistake, Anika. I was foolish,' Alok's tone becomes serious.
'Oh that you are.'
'What do you mean?'
'You know what I mean, don't you?'
'I've tried hard to get back in touch with you after college. You were nowhere to be found, Anika!'
'Of course, I didn’t want to live in this city with guilts and regrets and the blame of,' Anika stops midway. After a pause she adds, 'Everything.'
'Oh, come on, what was I supposed to do if you suddenly told me that you were breaking ties because of a thing that happened long ago? I thought it would be better if I do it myself,' Alok shrugs.
'First, you hurt me with your actions, next, you stop talking to me, and now see, who is facing the consequences,' Anika says pointing to the hospital apparatus.
'As if you didn't,' Alok replies.
'No I didn't,' she says avoiding his gaze.
'Good liar!' exclaims Alok.
'So, you aren't apologising, are you?' Anika asks, frustrated.
'No,' says Alok.

They both go silent for a while. Anika thinks to herself about all that had happened. After all, somewhere it is her fault too. Alok, on the other hand, lies on his bed, eyes closed. He knows that the guilt and frustration of being so wrong to Anika has been accumulating all these years and is now affecting him in this way. He should have apologised earlier but he didn't. He realises that he cannot hold his guilt in himself any longer. He opens his eyes and turns towards Anika. When he is about to speak, she interrupts him.
'Alok, I'm sorry I know I overreacted. I should have made you sit infront of me and talked. I should have made you understand that you were doing wrong, both to yourself and others. I am at fault, I couldn't be a good sister,' Anika says, her voice quivering.
'Hey, are you mad, Anika? It is me who is at fault for everything that has happened between both of us. I behaved carelessly with you. I was irresponsible. You were tiny back then, and see you are still the same,' Alok laughs, trying to reduce the tension between them. She shoots him a look but softens quickly.
'I'm sorry, Alok, I'll be there for you henceforth. I promise. But please don't do this to yourself. I can't see you like this,' she pleads.
Alok smiles a yes.

'By the way, Anika, how did you know about me being here? Did mom call you?' Alok asks. This time he doesn't miss the discomfort on Anika's face. He pats her back as if to cheer her up and make her feel free to tell him.
'Actually, my grandfather is admitted here. He is in the ICU. The doctor said that he is suffering from meningitis,' says Anika in a low voice. Alok knows that she is close to tears now. He pulls her towards himself and makes her sit beside him.
'Don't worry, Anika. I know grandpa. He is darn strong. He'll get well soon. He just needs to be taken care of. And please, take care of yourself too. Just look at you, how have you become. Come on, don't be this dull. Tomorrow after they leave me from here, this, this, irritating place,' he says pointing towards the saline and the hospital bed, 'I'll come to meet him in the ICU, what say?' Alok suggests with a smile .
'That'll be too good. I must leave now, I've to come back early tomorrow morning. Don't disturb Aunty, see you soon,' she says and gets ready to leave.
'Very soon,' he replies.

The next day, when Anika is busy discussing her grandfather's progress with the doctor, Alok enters. He goes straight to where Anika's grandfather is sleeping. Few minutes later, he returns.
'He smiled at me, man. See? He recognises me even after all these years. Don't worry, he's going to improve soon,' Alok says as he cheers Anika up and envelops her in a hug. 

Again today, Anika feels her blood rush through her veins as she recognises the scent. She smiles a wide grin. She knows that she can never miss the Sauvage.

Disha